If Only
by timenspace
Summary: If only he'd regenerated. Just regenerated. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't be my prisoner. Well, maybe at first he'd feel like that, but I'd find a way to cure him. Travel across every galaxy and dimension, perhaps break my own rules. Doctor POV.D/M


**Title: If Only…**

**A/N: Due to that I make no claim to what will happen in the finale specials, this is merely the Doctor's thoughts, perhaps occurring anytime post LOTL, and pre WOM. If you want to think slashy, that's fine, and if you don't, that's fine, too XD**

**Characters: Tenth Doctor, Seventh (aka Simm!)Master**

**Inspired by: several fics on this site, LOTL, WOM, etc. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own DW**

If only he'd regenerated. Just regenerated. He wouldn't understand. He wouldn't be my prisoner. Well, maybe at first he'd feel like that, but I'd find a way to cure him. Travel across every galaxy and dimension, perhaps break my own rules and go to the parallel, see what he'd done to save me.

I can't hate him. I mean, we _were _the best of friends, at the best and at the worst of times. He took the blame for something I knew I shouldn't have done…but I saved his life. Still not a good reason, even now. It hurts like a hot knife through those two hearts as I remember it. Unfortunatly, the memory alter may have worked on him, but it didn't work on me.

* * *

"Kosh – Kosh gone runnin' to yer mother again, aren't 'cha." Torvic. The bully.

"Don't bother us Torvic, I'm not in the mood."

"When are yah ever _in the mood?_ Unless it's with your best pal, what are yah, wierdos – skipping class and all that…"

"He knows more about arithmetic than you ever will Tore!"

"Shuttup! I didn't ask you Tha! What, yah gonna stop me if I do a science experiment?"

"On what?"

"See how long you loom breakouts can handle being underwater!"

"Tore, don't –"

"Watch me…"

* * *

Before I knew it, he'd grabbed Koschei and was holding his head under the waters of "Armosnolda" Lake. It had a longer name of course, but we never called it that. .

I don't really remember much about it, just throwing myself at the bigger boy, and by some supertimelord feat, managed to hold his head under the water, I believe by pulling him in along with me.

The next thing I knew, his body was limp. Koschei was staring at me horrified with his dark eyes, the blonde hair sticking up in awkward places...and helping me out of the Lake, while Torvic was limp in my grasp.

I really don't know what happened, and I'm a bit scared when I probe Koschei's mind, I'll find out.

And he took the blame. I should have never let him. Proved he was nobler. He _agreed _to be her champion. It doesn't matter how I look at it now.

I was a coward, and a fool.

_I _should have been Death's Champion_, not Time. _

Even the Tardis knows it, probably why the Chameleon Arch doesn't work quite right.

_I wasn't supposed to be the hero. _In the alternate, I'm not.

Rose doesn't know why I hate alternate dimensions. Made the mistake of keying it in. Made the wrong enemies. Couldn't even trust myself, a power-hungry, planet-devouring dictator. With another noble countryman trying to save my life…

The Disguiser and The Major.

Me and him, only reversed. He was _Time's Champion, _and I, _Death's._

Never wanted to visit again, even though The Major understood about all that, and _did _say to return with him if possible, maybe we could help each other out.

I'd like nothing better than to have Koschei as my companion in the Tardis, even if his nightmares cause him to scream my name, shock my system. Who could have a better companion than the last of my people?

A part of me is angry that he just _fled _when everything exploded in flame, instead of watching it burn, feeling the actual _pain of loss. _I wonder if he fears anything, besides killing himself.

Even if his mind reveals things I never wanted to recall from our childhood in the first place. Past mistakes – if that's what they can be called – of past lives. The things he remembers that I have chosen to lock. It's easier for a TimeLord than a human to do that, but it makes the memories stronger.

I'll avoid non-emergency summons just for the adventure of it until he feels better. Or I cure him. Or _something _occurs that we're not just enemies anymore.

Gallifrey is too much a part of my interworking than to actually expel it completely from my memories. As much as I would like to.

Breaking out of the "perfection device". Something _no Timelord _is supposed to do. Dissappointing everyone. Almost not making entry exams. He w_as _my only friend. I don't often think of my childhood, but as a French girl once said… _so lonely._

But I don't know if I can help him. As I read in a comic book once: can the insane really help the insane?


End file.
